Torture Devices (That are based on lies.)

Since the 12th century there has been inquisitions created by the high level priests' inorder to eradicate any sort of heretics that dared to go against the beliefs of whichever Messiah was hip at the time.

(You dare to question the existence of Lord Dagon?!?)


It was during these glorious days that devices were created for the sheer purpose of torture, and ultimately used to eviscerate those who were ruled out to be wicked. These instruments of devistation has meant as much to our culture and heritage as the crucifix...

(And Pie! Lets not forget our love for Pie!)

Though the middle ages were a very trying time to be Paegan, or anything else against the grain; There has still been many fabrications that most people would believe were real as the fireflys stuck to the Earth's ceiling. Such as...

The Judas Cradle

A device that was created during the Spanish Inquisition, in which victims were pressumably lowered onto the pyramid-shaped piece of wood until they were resting comfortably with the point digging into the anus, vagina, or the scrotum. Then weights would be tied to the limbs to make things more comfortable. This would go on until you told the executioner what they wanted to hear, pressumably Whatever they wanted to hear, or you die from too much gratification...

(Pictured: Too much of a good thing.)

The Truth Hurts:

The Judas Cradle was falsely attributed by legend, but was most likely based on the very real, and equally terrifying Spanish Donkey. But honestly, how are you supposed to strike fear in the hearts of the wicked with a name like that???
The earliest Judas Cradle created was strictly for Carnival Side Shows and Horror Fiction...

(Also to make a really sweet Metalcore band name.)

The Choke Pear

Legend has it that around the late 1630's, a robber invented this instrument to subdue his wealthy victims while he and his accomplices would have their way with the victim's goods. It was said he would either insert it into the victim's mouth, anus, or vagina (I'm assuming it strictly depended on how frisky he felt that evening.)

The Truth Hurts:

Though there is no way to actually disprove that these were created in the middle ages for torture; Studies have shown that they were most likely used strictly as sex toys for some very sick, sick individuals!

(One can only assume how it smells. My guess would be Vanilla & Musk.)

I know that you're thinking that it's bullshit that I added this on here. But you have to keep in mind that this is about devices based on lies, so go fuck yourself!

(Also how else could I show off this amazing Post hXc band logo?)

Iron Maiden

Ahh the Iron Maiden. This will probably cause so much butthurt that I'll never hear the end of it. So if you're gonna be a fggt that has some sort of love affair with this device, then you better stop reading now before your dreams of tulips and sunny days are destroyed...

Thought to be created during the you guess it, Spanish Inquisition. The Iron Maiden was an enormous cabinet with two hinged doors decorated with spikes throughout the interior. The victim would be thrown in with the doors slammed with them inside. This would cause what scientist would call being impaled by a shitload of spikes. In fact this shouldn't even be considered a torture device, as it would be nearly impossible to escape with a heartbeat. However...

The Truth hurts:

The very first Iron Maiden was created in 1793 (Long after the Inquisitions.) and were made by artists to sell at commercial exhibitions, and to collectors of the macabre...

Sadly, I couldn't find any sort of band to end this on. I know, very anti-climatic right? =[

-dani

Dishwashing

- While doing this oh so wonderful of a chore, if a piece of food phlumpkin even touches me I'll begin to gag uncontrollably...It doesn't matter if I even know what it was that just blessed my finger with it's presence. The feel of a soggy turd on me makes me want to vomit.

-When somebody puts say a used paper towel in the sink, buried under some dirty dishes to where it's not spotted untill it's already the texture of a heeping pile of big bird shit, it sets me off into a seizure of rage.

-By far my favorite thing to wash would have to be a cake pan that has been used for cooking a casserole or some jazz, and all these chunks have been incinerated along the sides...Sure, a brillo-pad will take it right off there, and also Hall & Oates were awesome.

-If there isn't a garbage disposal, you can forget about me pulling the plug to drain that nasty water. It's bad enough that you'll most likely come in contact with food phlumkins, but then you have to clean them all out of the sink once it drains?!?! No thanks! I'm good...

-The kitchen sink could be spotless, but I still refuse to wash my hands in it. (I'm aware of the cess-pool of food germs that have been there.)

-Let us move on to the dishwasher...First off, I sort of have an o.c.d. way of going about loading it. (The teaspoons have to be with the teaspoons, steak knives with the steak knives, etc...)
I actually find it frustrating if I have to combine them.

-When you go to put away the "clean dishes" from the dishwasher, and yet there's still a piece of cheerio still stuck to a bowl. By this time you're better off taking a blowtorch to it, oppse to a washcloth, cause that bitch is going nowhere.

-Or when you're putting away the "clean tupperwear" and it feels like there's a layer of jizz on it...Needless to say it goes in the trash. And they wonder why we have so many extra lids...