Torture Devices (That are based on lies.)

Since the 12th century there has been inquisitions created by the high level priests' inorder to eradicate any sort of heretics that dared to go against the beliefs of whichever Messiah was hip at the time.

(You dare to question the existence of Lord Dagon?!?)


It was during these glorious days that devices were created for the sheer purpose of torture, and ultimately used to eviscerate those who were ruled out to be wicked. These instruments of devistation has meant as much to our culture and heritage as the crucifix...

(And Pie! Lets not forget our love for Pie!)

Though the middle ages were a very trying time to be Paegan, or anything else against the grain; There has still been many fabrications that most people would believe were real as the fireflys stuck to the Earth's ceiling. Such as...

The Judas Cradle

A device that was created during the Spanish Inquisition, in which victims were pressumably lowered onto the pyramid-shaped piece of wood until they were resting comfortably with the point digging into the anus, vagina, or the scrotum. Then weights would be tied to the limbs to make things more comfortable. This would go on until you told the executioner what they wanted to hear, pressumably Whatever they wanted to hear, or you die from too much gratification...

(Pictured: Too much of a good thing.)

The Truth Hurts:

The Judas Cradle was falsely attributed by legend, but was most likely based on the very real, and equally terrifying Spanish Donkey. But honestly, how are you supposed to strike fear in the hearts of the wicked with a name like that???
The earliest Judas Cradle created was strictly for Carnival Side Shows and Horror Fiction...

(Also to make a really sweet Metalcore band name.)

The Choke Pear

Legend has it that around the late 1630's, a robber invented this instrument to subdue his wealthy victims while he and his accomplices would have their way with the victim's goods. It was said he would either insert it into the victim's mouth, anus, or vagina (I'm assuming it strictly depended on how frisky he felt that evening.)

The Truth Hurts:

Though there is no way to actually disprove that these were created in the middle ages for torture; Studies have shown that they were most likely used strictly as sex toys for some very sick, sick individuals!

(One can only assume how it smells. My guess would be Vanilla & Musk.)

I know that you're thinking that it's bullshit that I added this on here. But you have to keep in mind that this is about devices based on lies, so go fuck yourself!

(Also how else could I show off this amazing Post hXc band logo?)

Iron Maiden

Ahh the Iron Maiden. This will probably cause so much butthurt that I'll never hear the end of it. So if you're gonna be a fggt that has some sort of love affair with this device, then you better stop reading now before your dreams of tulips and sunny days are destroyed...

Thought to be created during the you guess it, Spanish Inquisition. The Iron Maiden was an enormous cabinet with two hinged doors decorated with spikes throughout the interior. The victim would be thrown in with the doors slammed with them inside. This would cause what scientist would call being impaled by a shitload of spikes. In fact this shouldn't even be considered a torture device, as it would be nearly impossible to escape with a heartbeat. However...

The Truth hurts:

The very first Iron Maiden was created in 1793 (Long after the Inquisitions.) and were made by artists to sell at commercial exhibitions, and to collectors of the macabre...

Sadly, I couldn't find any sort of band to end this on. I know, very anti-climatic right? =[

-dani